“Bigger thing you have – nicer girl like it”

Where do these spammers come from, outer Mongolia? Wherever it is, they certainly don’t speak English there. I got this one today, with the above subject line:

Got a little hitch in your sex life, we can put it in the helve easily! Our remedy will make you really indefatigable lover in a wink of an eye for cheap! But be quick, our offer gonna expire soon! For details check our official website: [URL removed]

Ignoring, for the moment, the grammatical shortcomings of the rest of the message… helve? I know a lot of archaic and seldom-used words, but even I had to look that one up: “A handle of a tool, such as an ax, chisel, or hammer.” So this cretin is offering to put my “thing” in the handle of an ax, chisel, or hammer? Sorry buddy, that doesn’t sound real appealing, I’ll keep it right where it is, thanks.

The moral of the story: if you’re trying to trick foreigners into giving you money for fake pills and lotions, at least learn enough of their language that the offer doesn’t make them walk away laughing.

Ordering Checks, a User Interface Gripe

Does no company understand how to create a usable user interface?

I just tried to order new checks. Since this is the first reorder I’ve ever done with this company, I decided to do it by phone, instead of by fax or mail (the other two options). I called up, thinking that someone would talk me through the process… wrong. It was a completely automated system. I should have expected that, I suppose.

The limited help text built into it got me over the confusing spots, after two tries (because it hung up on me the first time when I didn’t respond quickly enough for it), but when I finally got to the end of it, all it said was the date of my initial check order — no confirmation that I’d placed a new order at all. When I pressed the menu option to go back to the original menu, so I could check on it, it hung up on me again. I called back to see if I could confirm that I’d actually placed an order, and re-entered all of my information yet again, it again only gave me the date of my initial order.

I can only hope that I successfully placed the new order. I guess I’ll find out if the new ones arrive. “When” is another question, which I also have no idea of. Some simple text at the end of the order would have been greatly appreciated, saying that I had successfully placed a new order and roughly how long it would take to get here. It wouldn’t have cost them anything extra.