There are three parts to this article. The first two are sensible and productivity-enhancing. The third one is simply fun, in an evil sort of way. š Here are some selected items from it:
5.Voodoo. Display voodoo replicas of your boss and co-workers on your desk, labeled with their names. Whenever you overhear someone complaining of health problems (headache, upset stomach, runny nose, etc), stick a pin into the corresponding part of their doll. Then call them over to your workspace for some unrelated reason.
6.Scooby snacks. Grab a bowl of your favorite snacks, such as grapes, tamari almonds, or Trader Joeās Oriental Rice Crackers. Eat one piece for each microbial piece of work you complete. One bite per sentence. One bite per line of code. One bite per email. Ranks, Raggy.
17.Blockade. Slide a heavy piece of furniture in front of your office door. When drop-in visitors complain they canāt get in, tell them youāre refactoring your office for greater productivity.
20.Quagmire. Fill out and mail a generous assortment of business reply cards in your bossā name, checking the ābill me laterā boxes. A few dozen magazine subscriptions and some Franklin Mint collections ought to slow him down a bit. A new Civil War chess piece every month means heāll be playing chess in under 3 years.
21.End run. Suggest to your bossā boss that your boss is overworked and needs more help. If you implement the previous tip, this will likely be true.
29.Anakin. Would your problems be easier to solve if you turned evil? The dark side beckonsā¦
30.Spammer. Sign up for a free email account, and subscribe to every e-zine, e-newsletter, and mailing list you can find. The shadier the better. Once youāve completed all the double opt-in processes, set that account to forward to your bossā email.
31.Steve Jobs. On the rare occasions you actually do manage to get something done, talk it up like a madman. Say āThis is huge!ā to everyone you meet. People will assume youāre 10x as productive as you are.
(I’m sure you’ll love the label on that last one, Ploni.) š
That last one is One More Thing in the list that’ll really blow the readers away. It is the next big thing, and this huge productivity boost is available only from Apple: In stores tomorrow.
š
Of course, one rarely hears the word “productivity” coming out of Cupertino, that’s the only thing that’s unrealistic about my parody. š
Hm… now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “productivity” used in relation to a Macintosh. Odd omission. Though I don’t pay a lot of attention to computer ads, so maybe I just missed it.