It’s time once again for the best of the worst of spam!
The winner of this week’s couldn’t-buy-a-clue-with-a-roll-of-quarters prize:
Subject: {subj_spamit} Viagra Pro (SALE 50%) – Increase S*e*x Drive – Boost Sexual Performance – Fuller & Harder Erections – Increase Stamina & Endurance – Quicker Recharges – Improved sildenafil citrate formula – Works in less than 15 minutes – Best p*r*i**ce on the internet BUY NOW
Two points here. First, there’s no URL and no link. I guess I’m supposed to just go out and buy it, no matter who from. Maybe the spammer holds stock in Pfizer. Second, he really should figure out how to use his new spamming software, the subject line is a dead giveaway, as was another where the subject line was “{subj_bulker}” (which otherwise wasn’t amusing at all).
Honorable mention in this same category:
Subject: Get now your pack of Genuine Cialis! Now you can order Authentic Viagra directly from Pfizer All prices are tax/vat free and same-day free worldwide shipping also included.
Out of pure pity, we’ll give them a clue: Viagra and Cialis are two different drugs, created by two different companies. Claiming to sell one direct from the manufacturer, in a message titled with the other… better luck with your next roll of quarters, guys.
The Incomprehensibility Prize this week goes to this gem:
Subject: read be roundsman connect deszczu Jesz lepji be be o RaViAg – $1.72 C_i-l_is – $2.68 L-vi-ra – $3.92 S- _m-a – $0.69 WAYTALL.CN v chace. Cze te s sto takji Ale
Wow, RaViAg is down to $1.72. The message bears a strong resemblance to line noise, but I feel an incredible urge to go immediately to the URL listed there to buy me some of that.
Winners of the Nice Try award for virus/Trojan distribution were the two messages that thanked me for joining Ringtone World and Webtunes, and asked me to log in to each of them within 24 hours to change my temporary password. Unfortunately, both of them came in at about the same time, and the similarities between them (as well as the numeric IP addresses) rather gave away the plot.
The Worst Engrish award goes to this one:
Fellow!!! with our meds your health medicinal preparations! The most panic prices you can pass by. We will assist you in any case. Our On-line drug-store runs round the clock 7 days a week for you only!!! Receive our present to feel well!!! Ideal maintenance fast supply Unselfish assistance!
On the other hand, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We’re happy to announce our first Most Improved English award this week. Here is a “before” sample:
Subject: My boyfriend’s shaft is too big for my mouth. Boytoys always whooped at me and even fellows did in the free toilet! Well, now I hee-haw at them, because I took Mega. Dik for 4 months and now my pecker is indeed bigger than world.
“Boytoys”? “hee-haw”? “my pecker is indeed bigger than world”?
And since the writer of the message is presumably a guy, the subject line is… rather interesting. 😉
A second “before” sample:
Subject: My new guy’s member is enormous, and my mouth is tiny. Dames always whizgiggled at me and even gars did in the unrestricted lavatory! Well, now I laugh at them, because I took M eg ad ik for 7 months and now my penis is very much best than civil.
“Dames” and “gars”? “very much best than civil”? “whizgiggled“?!? And apparently this is another gay guy too, from the subject line.
But check out this “after” sample:
Subject: MegaDik has been labelled an “Herbal Breakthrough” All Ladies always laughed at me and even guys did in the public toilets! Well, now I laugh at them, because I took MegaDik For 5 months and now my dick is much bigger than “average” size.
Good Lord, they took my advice and got a native English speaker to write their copy! Not a good one, granted… it’s “labeled,” not “labelled;” “Ladies” and “For” shouldn’t be capitalized there; and the second line-break is in a pretty odd place. But you have to admit, it’s far better than the earlier chuckle-worthy attempts.
Some other amusing ones this week: “Do you want your dick to be in million of womens screensavers?” (Not particularly, thanks.) “Penis Enlarge Patch can enlarge your dick so much it would b” (So much that it would block you from finishing the sentence, maybe?) “Subject: Paris Hilton likes them big” (And I’m supposed to care about her opinion why?)
Finally, the overall Most Amusing Spam award for the week goes to this one:
Hey, can you make love more that 10 minutes? Yes, you can with our “manpower candies”
“Manpower candies.” Sheer freakin’ comic genius. 🙂
I’ve been following the Megadik spam line for a little while now.
I think what it happening here is that a simple sentence (probably the last one you list) is being reconstructed randomly with a range of what the writer considers to be synonyms for various key words. I have several more examples myself, and all follow the same construction. The chances that the writer stumbled on the English-like version is slim. I think they probably started there.
The same thing goes for the various subjects headers. They are all riffs on “My boyfriend’s dick is too large for my small mouth” or “When I give my man head, I practically choke” or “My boyfriend’s dick keeps slipping out”
I’ve started to look forward to receiving these to find out what new abuse of online dictionaries is going to arrive next.
Gotta admit, though: whizgiggled has me stumped.
I’m afraid you’re right. I thought that they’d finally gotten someone who spoke the language to update their text, because I hadn’t seen that one before, but I’ve gotten so many more of the synonym ones since then that it’s pretty obvious that that one was a fluke, or (as you suggested) the original.
I guess I’ll have to retract the most-improved-English award. 🙂